3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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