I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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