someone threw a dead crab at me
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
