woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
