I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Less talking, more tequila
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Randomize
