If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize