hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
