What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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