Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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