I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
