Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
