I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
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