I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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