Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
