I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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