GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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