perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
