We're like a lot better than the average bears
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
