three words: i give head
three words: not that well
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
