i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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