He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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