My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
