i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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