I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize