Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
