dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Who wears a wallet chain?!
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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