they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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