I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
