Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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