If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize