when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
