Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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