i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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