Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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