On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Randomize
