She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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