Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
