I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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