you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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