I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Houston, we have a squirter
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
