woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
