dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Someone came in the potted fern
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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