Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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