I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
