You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
