if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
ok first of all what the fuck
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
