Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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