You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
