the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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