Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
