I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
