we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Shame is for Republicans.
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