My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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