She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
