I heard we made out
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize