Your mouth is God's brothel.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
