My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
