when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
