dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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