Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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