Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
