ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
