Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
